Thursday, May 08, 2008
Its the 19th day since my ah gong left me. yes, i'm always very happy ever since i'm in school but when i was alone, i thought of him again. i thought of what had happened ever since we knew his death. i thought every single thing that had happened in malaysia and the last time i saw him. i missed him badly. really. i had so much to tell him, but i just cant seem to be able to do so for now. i remembered that typical sunday where i woke up seeing my dad sitting next to me, telling me that we are going to malaysia that evening. i thought he was just kidding and i asked him why. he told me that ah gong had passed away that morning and mum and aunt came in with their eyes red. then i realised its the fact. at first, i stared at blank space, with my mind blank not knowing how to face the reality. then, i hid beneath my blanket and cry like nobody business. yes, i knew ahgong's body has not been well, but i cant believe he's just gone like that. i cant believe i didnt see him for the last time and talk to him for the last time. then the trip in to malaysia was the saddening one. it was quiet and i sort of chatted with my cousins. only the 3 of us, didnt went back to malaysia to see him during the qing ming festival because of our studies. i bloody hate o level at that moment. i hate myself for having o level this year. i hate myself for being so selfish thinking studies is the most important now. ah gong will have plenty of time for me to talk to him. however, its not the true. why did god take him away at this moment? why? we reached the funeral there about 1 plus 2 at midnight. we went near to the coffin and there was my grandpa lying at there smiling. he passed away peacefully but no one could controlled their tears. we all cried but silently. i didnt expect that the last time i would be seeing him would be actually at this type of atmosphere. the next few days were ah gong's relatives and friends paying him the last respect. there was this little girl who is my ah gong's god daughter. she was only about 12 years old. she only knew about ah gong's death when she saw ah gong's picture. me and my 2 cousins and my uncle was kneeling down beside the casket. she was the first person who cried out loud which made the 4 of us couldn't controlled our tears and just cried too. she being only 12 years old and only god-daughter of my ah gong, had spent even more time with him than me, the granddaughter of ah gong. i hate myself for neglecting ah gong. during the last day, when they close the coffin, every one cried. i knew that would be the last time i see ah gong in person anymore. after which, we accompany ah gong for the last journey and every single one of us cried. even though after i left malaysia and came back to singapore, everything to me is still like a dream. i walked past the route ah gong had walked. i walked inside my ah gong's room and remembering the position he will always sit. remembering that, he was still looking at newspaper like as usual. when it came to the first 7th night, i was at my uncle's house sleeping. during the night, i could sense someone holding on to me and i got the feeling that my ah gong came back to see me. but i closed my eyes, maybe partly also because i'm scared. but at least he came back. i know that i should put away all these sad feelings and studied hard, but sometimes when i was studying, i would just push them away because i kept feeling that it was them who caused me not able to see my ah gong. but still, i believe ah gong will never want me to be like this. ah gong, i still wanna say i love and miss you loads.
everything comes to an end at 5:52 PM.
